Season 3 Episode 10: Navigating Divorce and Separation (Plus Why Your Money Story Matters)
IN THIS EPISODE
This week, we're exploring two topics that have a huge impact on our financial wellbeing – navigating separation and divorce, and understanding the money stories that shape our decisions (and our lives).
Inspired by the conversations we have every day at The Money Collective, we discuss why it's never too early to understand your financial position, know your options, and start planning for the future if you're wondering what life might look like beyond your current relationship.
In our Money Truths segment, Darlene shares a relatable story about her daughter Lily's first big spending decision, while Mel makes a passionate case for spending money on the things that bring you genuine joy – including Taylor Swift concerts.
In this episode, we chat about:
How planning ahead can help reduce stress and uncertainty during separation and divorce
The importance of communication, transparency and financial visibility within relationships
What to consider when making decisions about mortgages, debt and future financial security
How understanding your values can help guide difficult financial decisions
Plus, in our educational segment, we explore one of our favourite topics: money stories.
We unpack how the beliefs we've inherited about money can influence our behaviours, shape our sense of self-worth, and keep us stuck in patterns that no longer serve us.
We also share practical ways to start identifying your own money story, understanding how it may be influencing your financial decisions, and beginning to create a healthier relationship with money.
ABOUT THE MONEY COLLECTIVE PODCAST
Financial Wellbeing with The Money Collective brings together the stories and experiences of working with thousands of Australians when it comes to money, this is no holds barred, honest podcast. Darlene and Mel have been working in banking and finance for over 50 years and break down the barriers that we face everyday when it comes to our relationships, families and finances.
READY TO GO ON THE JOURNEY OF FINANCIAL WELLBEING?
- Know your cost of living by listing your expenses with our handy spending review spreadsheet: https://www.themoneycollective.com.au/resources
- Book a time with us to chat about money to ask questions and talk all things financial wellbeing, home loans, and more.
- Take action and uplift your own level of financial wellbeing with our online course: https://www.themoneycollective.com.au/onlinecourse
-
00:00
Welcome to the Money Collective Podcast. We're here to uplift your financial well-being. Your hosts are me, Mel Pearce, and Darlene Neu. We are the co-founders of The Money Collective, and together we have over 50 years of finance and banking experience. We provide the tools, information, and guidance to better understand your money and feel confident making money decisions.
00:22
Hello, podcast team. This is Mel and Darlene. We've uplift your financial wellbeing with the money collective and here to talk all things finance again, but well being, always with a wellbeing lens.
00:37
We love it. We do.
00:39
I hope you've listened.
00:40
Like literally we love it.
00:42
Like you can't keep us down.
00:43
It's like we just hit record on our normal um conversation, really. Right.
00:47
That's exactly it.
00:48
This is how the podcast came about because we were like, oh, maybe we should record this.
00:53
All these good ideas we have. That's right.
00:55
Because then we forget about those ideas.
00:57
So it's good to record them and remember them.
00:59
It's always, you know, new little light bulbs.
01:02
Exactly. Every week.
01:03
Yeah. Cool.
01:04
So we always start off with a bit of a truth and yeah, you're in the DPS.
01:08
Apparently, I'm going first.
01:09
Okay.
01:12
I want to continue my story from the last podcast and it was about my daughter Lily who's
15.
01:18
Shout out again, Lily.
01:19
Hi, Lily.
01:20
I really have to let her know to listen to the two episodes. She might not, but she's recently got her first time job and she is navigating, as I mentioned in the last podcast, about how to manage social life and money.
01:34
My gosh. I love this learning.
01:37
It is so interesting to watch as as like, you know, I feel like I'm a, you know, psychiatrist
watching and seeing what she's learning. But she this weekend she thought she was available Sunday night.
01:51
And then, she hadn't been asked to work. The way it rolls is they give her like a bit short time notice about working.
02:00
And so she decided that she could stay at a friend's house instead and so she emailed
them.
02:07
Like, so she hadn't got the for working.
02:09
No, to be fair. Not working.
02:10
Right.
02:11
Organised them a sleepover.
02:13
Right.
02:14
And she organized herself, you know, to stay.
02:16
Do they call them sleepovers anymore?
02:17
I don't think so. Don't think so.
02:21
She no. Staying at a mate's house.
02:23
Staying at a mate's house.
02:24
Okay.
02:24
So she was doing that.
02:26
But also what happened on Saturday, just to bring you back to that story, so no work
this weekend, so that means no money, right?
02:35
She's chosen a social life and then but she got paid last Thursday and it was the biggest
pay.
02:40
She got $174.50, which was so exciting. She's never had a pay like that in her life, right?
02:46
And it's like burning a hole in a pocket. So she got it on Thursday.
02:52
Saturday, she came out and she said, I really would like a TV in my room.
02:57
Ooh.
03:00
I said, can you get one for $174 and 50 cents?
03:03
I'll tell you the story, yes. But this is uh learning for us all. And if I have my time again, well, I'd like advice on what to do differently.
03:13
So she came out, she had a friend there too, so they always are very clever, ganged up on
you, right?
03:19
Yeah, so they both come out.
03:21
Got it, yeah.
03:22
So and come out and it makes it quite difficult sometimes to navigate that.
03:28
First of all she decided they decided they're gonna rearrange a room, which is pretty
Cool. So off they did. They actually had a bit of a clean out and revamped a room.
03:37
She's smart.
03:38
She's used the free labour.
03:40
I love it. Yes.
03:41
Yeah, she's good at that too. Yeah. Which is pretty cool.
03:44
And they were making a space for the TV.
03:47
Got it.
03:47
That was the reason. Right.
03:50
So then the space was there. So, you know, must fill it. You know, get the T V.
03:56
So she came out and she said, I'd really like a TV.
04:00
And I said, well, you know, put it on your Christmas list. You know, we can, you know, work it out. Maybe it's a Christmas present.
04:07
No, that's way too long to, you know. And then her friend got online and said, well what can you buy one for?
04:14
So she had about $280 altogether. And um they found one, for one a smart TV for $199. She said it doesn't need to be anything flash, just something I can, you know, stream on rather than the little laptop screen she's got for school.
04:31
So they came out and they said Harving Orling has one for $199. And I thought, okay, so I got online and she said, well you know, they said, can you take us?
04:39
Can you take us?
04:40
First, maybe mistake.
04:42
Is it the, I well, okay, this is where I'm at. So I think no mistake currently because she's making her own choices and decisions.
04:50
That's where I was at. Because I, my phone's at kids, not me.
04:54
Otherwise, you're taking the decision, you're saying no, you can't if you don't take her
to the shops. She has no other mode of transport. Right?
05:01
What else, you know?
05:02
I think mine's okay.
05:03
My view.
05:04
My husband, Dennis, thinks that I shouldn't have taken her to the shops. Yeah.
05:08
But this is right. So I'm on that train too.
05:11
I'm on that train about our kids.
05:13
Living their lives, having choices, making their own mistakes, seeing how all that goes.
05:17
So I taught them. So far, so good.
05:20
And then she saw the one for $199. No good.
05:24
Did you upstairs?
05:25
It's great.
05:27
So she, Dennis Martin, was coming to think about.
05:33
It was yes, because again, looking at a small TV or a big TV.
05:36
It sounds big. That seems like I thought it was all right.
05:39
It was a bit bigger than a, you know, like a monitor screen, but apparently
not big enough. Okay. Yeah.
05:47
So then she was looking at the cheapest 40 inch one, which is the next one, and that they
had a sale on.
05:53
It was three hundred and forty-four.
05:57
So we had a discussion around. Getting that or not. I should have walked it.
06:02
So what I wish I'd done is you're gonna have to save your money and we'll come back.
06:05
Yes.
06:05
But what I did under pressure was say, yes, but there's conditions. So there's two big jobs that she has to do.
06:15
Yes. By the June long weekend to earn a hundred dollars around the house or that TV still would have been.
06:22
Sixty four dollars.
06:23
Sixty four dollars she has to pay off.
06:25
Yep. But then the other bit of it is that she wanted on the wall, not on a thing. So I bought a bracket.
06:35
So now just to finish her piece off.
06:38
So Sunday night she went to a friend's house. I did not say a thing.
06:42
She has nine dollars left in her account. Yes.
06:45
I had no idea how she was going to get lunch. She hadn't thought about it. I thought, I don't care.
06:50
You don't have to work it out. Because I didn't give, we didn't reach out. I didn't do any of that.
06:55
Yes. And I still don't know.
06:58
How she ate or someone she probably had a friend or something to help her out, I don't know.
07:02
Yeah. Because there was no money left. Unless she did it for nine dollars. She could have done it for nine dollars.
07:07
Sure.
07:08
Yeah. Possible.
07:09
So understanding that if I do that, I feel like there's learning to come. If I do that, I can't do this. So the other thing she's worried about her phone is gonna die.
07:19
And I said, well And you feel guilty, don't you? Like a little bit, the bit that I'm not happy about is that I upgraded.
07:25
Yes.
07:27
So this is my total approach with Lilly. Like, she's seventeen.
07:33
Like before you go and walk into that Harvey Norman, you know what she's going in for.
07:36
It's like Lilly, I'm not giving you any more money for anything else. Do what you will.
07:41
We can go and have a look if what you want isn't the right thing.
07:44
We walk. It's like an information gathering session, right? You can get what you want. That's what I wish I had to do. Because you've set these boundaries. You've got to set it before you've gone in instead of dealing with it in the moment.
07:57
Yep.
07:57
Like I cannot enter a shop without her without like she almost doesn't ask me anymore.
08:02
And also with Lilly's journey, she's you know how you knew how much she got paid?
08:07
Lilly would not tell me how much she gets paid. And she cried she's just like, I've got no money.
08:11
So she listened and she like is saving like I reckon she's got she's just saving like a
demon.
08:18
And she now is protecting her money like anything.
08:22
Love that.
08:23
Like because she wants, probably wheels because you're She wants to get out of a way from us. Well, I don't reckon it's that, but it but she is limited living in the country of how and
to get to places.
08:34
So 100%. you can see how wheels are gonna be super important to me.
08:37
Yes, she shocked me.
08:39
But anyway, and then it's just like dealing with it constantly of like because this is
what adulting is all about.
08:44
Like I know that Lily's not an adult and Lilly's not an adult.
21108:48
Yet.
08:48
But they're for adultery. That's right.
08:51
It's like we can't have it all and don't buy into everybody else has it.
08:57
You're the only one, Mum.
08:59
You're the worst mum.
09:01
My friend's mum.
09:02
My gosh. like and then I swear they're all doing the same thing.
09:06
Of course they are all doing the same thing.
09:08
So my only regret in that whole experience was that I didn't walk out of the shop. Did negotiate with her some jobs at home, but I should have So you need a plan every
single time walk out. Yes.
09:21
That's what I would say. If someone else asked me and gave me that experience, I'd say, well, don't buy the thing at Harvey Norman and go home. Yeah.
09:27
That's what we should have done. Anyway, wasn't it?
09:31
You need to let go, but we also can't, like that was your decision, then make her feel
guilty about it too, because that was your decision. No, and I haven't.
09:39
I haven't. But you can still bring it up and go, hey, next time we're not gonna do this. Yeah. Definitely.
09:45
Forward.
09:46
Definitely. And I think that communication about how you're thinking and how you feel is still
important, but without making it their fault. Or being angry about it. That's right.
00:09:56
Because it's not on her. It's my, it was my action. Yes.
10:00
I did this. Yeah. Probably in retrospect I might not have, but this is where we're at. Next time, I probably don't want to do that.
10:06
And you know, just save up for the things you want. Exactly.
10:09
Actually, just to finish there, the other thing that kids try and just be aware of this,
and I don't know whether anyone else's kids do this, is what she does is say, I'm not gonna take my money and then you pay for it and I'll pay you back.
10:21
No, no.
10:22
I said, No, no.
10:22
That doesn't work for me.
10:23
I was very happy with that situation 'cause she said, Well, I've got some cash and I don't
have all the money in my account And I said, Well, at Harvey Norman they will split the bill.
10:32
Yes. You know, like, because she had to give me the cash.
10:35
So initially when it was one ninety nine, she gave me eighty dollars in cash.
10:38
Yes. And I said, Right, well then you're gonna have to pay a hundred and twenty dollars on your card and I'll put eighty dollars, you give me the cash before you go.
10:44
And she did that.
10:45
I think that is being resourceful though, too, of Lily, because you have to be thinking
it's not like Yeah. 'Cause you've got limited options.
10:51
You've got what you've got and she's trying to make it work as well. So I kinda give kudos to that a bit. But we don't yeah, just But I think don't you're you don't want to be a credit card.
11:01
No. That's right. I do know, you don't want to be after pay or buy now pay later.
11:06
And the other thing is though, it's more about the learning. I want and I am going to follow this through.
11:12
Hold me to it. Podcaster Mel.
11:15
Because I feel her phone is gonna die between now and the end of the year.
11:20
And what are you gonna do?
11:22
Because she's not because I've suggested maybe just saving some of her pay, and then if
that happens, she'll be prepared, right? That's contingency planning. We talk about it all the time. Yeah. I do have an old phone that's got a broken screen. I could give her that. Yeah, I think that's great.
11:38
Just word her up. If that breaks, you've got that. Don't worry. Don't worry. You've got one. Or go without. So that is gonna help.
11:44
That's always been my tactic. I sound like I'm the most cruel human.
11:49
But like I 'cause Yeah, you watch your yeah, finish that and then go to your truth. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:55
So I always bought my kids crappy phones. like Nokia, like seriously. And my kids were so embarrassed and I'm like, Well you upgrade that yourself and then I
haven't had the problem. Do you know though, I've never bought decent phones either.
12:07
I've always been a believer of that. So Logan had a really old phone. He never asked for much. So he just had it the whole time and he was a stingy person.
12:16
Like as far as not spending money and that's a very bad saying to those people out there. But he would just make do where Lily didn't want the old phone that I offered. So she say she saved her money up for that phone.
12:29
Yes, it's important. And I said right.
12:30
And she's looked after that phone because of that, I'd say. So this is very okay, this is a good segue into what I wanted to talk about my truth today. And it was more about values and like what I like spending my money on.
318
12:43
Cause I would say in general, I do hold the purse strings and I'm like, nah, nah, nah.
12:47
Keep driving. I don't need to stop and get takeaways. Whatever.
12:50
Driving home.
12:50
Make myself a sandwich. I am fine with that. Like I'm like I totally actually get motivated by that.
12:58
I like that too. And then I think about some things that I spend a lot of money on that I. would do I have no regrets over. Like my number one thing is going to see Taylor Swift in concert.
13:13
Yep. And I was very, very lucky to have the tickets gifted to me. I think because Taylor didn't do stupid ticket prices. So I think they were $89 tickets anyway. And I took my friend's daughter and she said, You have the tickets, but you pay for the flights and accommodation.
13:33
The accommodation for one night was a thousand bucks. And then we bought all the merch and maybe I spent two or three grand on Taylor Swift, like to get there, do the things, like it everything was a premium, and it was like four hours of my life.
13:47
Thank you, Taylor.
13:48
So like literally it's the, I don't know if I'll ever see a better concert in my life. I remember dancing in the stands and I think I was shuffing a really sequiny dress on and like I was rubbing up against everybody and they all had rashes and everyone had moved two min meters down the line 'cause I was like, dancing so hard. But like having the best night of my life with those girls.
14:09
Like it is the the best memory I will be so thankful for and I would have paid more.
14:16
You don't pay double. Maybe I'd question that, but I don't care about the money I spent on that.
14:21
Yeah.
14:21
And then I am training for a marathon at the moment, went and bought myself new shoes,
signed up to a few cool apps, paid my, you know, the entry fee, all that stuff.
14:34
I don't know what I'll end up with, maybe I'll spend probably realistically to run the marathon's gonna cost me seven or eight hundred bucks.
14:42
Which to me, I'm like I don't just go, I'm gonna spend seven or eight hundred bucks on
myself, but I'm But you're valuing what you're doing.
14:48
Hundred percent value it. I'm like, those types of things I'm like, take my money, but in the everyday sense I'm like, You can't have my money. But you know, first of all, it is your money.
14:58
And second of all, you know, living your life in line with your values, you know, money's the means that we need to contribute to that in most cases. So that's what it's all about. It's what makes people happy. It's not about, you know, putting all every cent away. Or maybe for some people it is, you know, putting it away till I retire.
15:21
But we want to live and make memories. And if we're doing that in line with our values, then we've got our best chance. So that's what it's for. It's not that people say not to take it with you.
15:31
Yeah. Anyway, they're the things that I've enjoyed spending my money on. Cool.
15:37
So today we also we wanted to spend um like a bit of time talking about like a bit
something that we see coming up quite a bit that we are, it's a very significant part of our business at The Money Collective.
15:51
When people are going through a significant life change, they'll come to us for help. And particularly we see a lot of that being um separation and divorce. And people looking to navigate that section of their lives.
16:07
And people are coming to us at all stages of this. Usually late, I would say, when they're late, they've it for sure. It is happening. We have negotiations, we pretty much know what we need.
16:24
And now I just need to figure out can I keep the house or what are my options? And then from that point it still takes a significant time to resolve.
16:35
Significant.
16:36
It depends on you know, sometimes they might have engaged, you know, say l lawyers,
and sometimes not. Yeah. So there's still a lot of journey in front of them to get to an agreement with an ex-partner. Yeah.
16:54
So I just think about that like in actually like a time frame. I'm like, if you're with somebody, it's not like that. To get to that point, that is probably years. Like you live with somebody and there's writing on the wall with some red flags, and you're like, this may not work out.
17:08
What are my options? And you start thinking, you know, what am I gonna do? You know, what's my exit plan? What would I do if this doesn't work out? And I think that they are really reasonable questions to be asking yourself throughout life.
17:24
I'd actually well, a TNC philosophy that is actually for a healthy relationship, have those conversations as well. Because I don't know, my belief is that if we do that, we'll probably make our bond stronger anyway, rather than us thinking it's going to do the opposite. If your relationship's strong, it should be able to withhold that and it actually brings that bond closer together and maybe it won't happen. So you're literally saying, talking about it with your partner.
17:51
I am.
17:52,2
Hey, what would we do if? Who gets what?
17:55
Yeah. You know? Then it stops you think about how much effort and time we spend just thinking in our minds about lots of things in the energy.
18:02
100%. It's done.
18:04
So like I, I come to you and I go, Darlene, I want to leave you. We're not actually married to each other, but let's say we were.
18:10
Yeah. And then Darlene, you might say to me, Oh, I was thinking the same thing, or you know, this is what my thoughts were. And then you're like, light bulbs. And then you can start collaborating and then you might actually start liking each other a little bit more possibly.
18:26
I reckon. That's my theory. Or they'll just modify it. It'll become the truth or that might make the decision. Right. It can't be bad. Can it be bad? Yes.
18:35
Like I don't understand. Literally can change the course of the outcome by talking about it early. It's never too early. And that's why I'm saying too, it's never too early to talk to us or get personal advice or know what your options are. And that might help you make the decision too.
18:52
I think in finance, people don't engage a finance professional because they're worried
about taking up their time. Right.
00:18:59
And it's very true a lot of the time. Like don't come until you're ready, you know.
19:05
But I don't think that that's a great way and it's not very good because what will happen is you will make assumptions.
19:12
In our brain which aren't based on fact unless you know how to get that information that
you need. And then you go and you plan in your brain without the facts that you need. The sooner you, you know, you've done your own numbers and then you might engage someone
to go through those numbers and maybe what the process could be and different pathways forward, the more information you've got, um, you know, for you to work through what the
future is.
19:38
But I'm thinking of um, you know, scenarios that I've had where people have come sooner for the planning and particularly uh and I don't want to stereotype, but say you're a female partner and you might work part-time.
19:59
And when you've done your numbers and the cost of living and saying, well, how it actually
helps you plan on how much you need to earn to be able to make life work. It's almost like a reverse engineering, you know, like, okay, if I depending on what scenario, if what would it take for me to keep the mortgage, how much do I need to bring into the household?
20:18
Or if I sold it and I bought something smaller with a, you know, lesser mortgage or maybe
I rent, whatever.
20:23
It doesn't matter, but you should run all those scenarios and understand what it would
take to be able to do that. And that's very early days. You should be doing that.
20:34
And like let's say you've got all those options, right?
20:37
I think there's two levels of it. It's like financially, what are my options? What's viable?
20:42
What's realistic?
20:44
But then what are my values and how do I want to live my life?
20:48
Like, do I want to be doing that? What checks my actual life boxes? Am I prepared to be overcommitted to a big mortgage because it's gonna give me things that I really want? Like as in I wanna maybe keep the house, stay in the same area, not disrupt my kids.
21:07
Or it's like, no, I really don't want to be under that pressure and stress.
21:12
My highest value is to live this life where I can actually feel not under all of that
pressure and I don't mind downgrading what I have. Right.
21:22
So this is where we've got to be really true about ourselves instead of like worrying
about what we think is the right thing to do as far as the outside in view of other people's thoughts. Definitely.
21:40
I do see because it's such a turmoil turmoil time to go through um a separation, I do
see sometimes it could be worth having a, you know, um a staggered approach. And if you can keep the house even though that's not your end game when you've done your numbers and your values and what it's like, sometimes, it could be an option just to, you know, settle the first step, you know, in the financial separation, and then go um and do something else.
22:14
But again, you have to look. I often use a saying a mentor gave me north, east, south, and west.
22:19
You have to do every different scenario and see what feels right for you in your gut.
22:25
Coming back to that planning of how much money I might need to earn, if depending on
that situation and which one you decide.
22:343
You might need time to get more hours of work. You might need time.
22:39
So if you did that, I believe that you would actually go into a separation with a little
bit less stress.
22:46
I'm sure it's stressful all round. But, you know, depending on what sort of personality you are, planning can really help. Yeah.
22:56,
It's gonna help immensely. Yeah.
22:58
And I think you're right, everybody is so different and it depends on what that
relationship is like.
23:03
And who you're in that relationship with and who you're trying to like, is there
communication?
23:07
Is this amicable? Am I in an abusive relationship? Have I been financially abused? Do I not know anything about my numbers for the very first time and I'm learning about it? How do I get that information? How do I stand up to somebody that I've never stood up to before? How do I feel empowered?
23:24
Those are things and skills that you might need first to actually start taking the right
steps.
23:29
Absolutely true. And to the most important thing is to move out of 'cause it's a very emotional time, but the more information we can ha arm ourselves with, like even being able to log into bank accounts, having visibility and you might not be able to get visibility honestly on on
everything.
23:47
I think that happens a lot. Like not knowing what the other person's numbers are.
23:51
If you've got separate bank accounts, how do you know? That's like you're only going to be able to know on joint accounts or what's in your name. So hang on.
24:00
If we've got like young people who are listening right now who are starting out in a
relationship with somebody, it's so important. Get visibility of everything else.
24:08
What's going on? You don't need to control everything. You don't want to control other people. It's not about control and we don't want to be controlled, but we just need all the
information because once we have that, then we can actually work on goals together. Otherwise, we do feel controlled.
24:24
And it's not a good recipe for success in a relationship sense.
24:28
Well, that's very you got mistrust before you advise with you. And it's like the biggest cause of marriage breakdown is money. That's right.
24:37
We de we definitely see situations where not all the money in the household is on the
table and people don't know what the other person might have, or they might be protecting money that their partner doesn't know. So again, is that a recipe for a good relationship?
24:53
And the future or And how do we build trust with each other? And what about this one? What about if we've already gone through it, you've been taken to the cleaners, had a bad
experience, walked away with nothing, feel second relationships. Yeah.
25:07
You want to go start another relationship where you like and your brain will say maybe to
you, Protect, protect, don't let them in, don't let this ever happen again.
25:19
You know, it's really hard to be vulnerable in a new relationship. Do you want to and to give it its best shot, or do you just be single forever? That's also another choice.
25:28
You know, so money in relationships is hard.
25:31
It's a real thing too.
25:32
As long as it's not financially abusive and and, you know, there's not control going on, then being honest and open about those feelings and that, you know, maybe there is a sense that I need to just have some money separately for those things and maybe both partners could do that, but still know and and be open that that exists in case.
25:54
So I mean, yeah.
25:56
I mean even if you have a joint, say you have a home and you have a joint home loan, you
know, if you've got a multiple offset um structure set up where you can put savings in different names, and some of your banking jointly and some of it separately, but it
doesn't mean you shouldn't have visibility of that.
26:15
But it does mean, you know,
26:17
Maybe that's part of your joint plan if things don't work out.
26:19
Let's be friends. Be honest with each other. Yeah, exactly. And be open about that.
26:26
What about if we're at that point in our relationship and we're like this, we we've
decided, we're calling it quits and it's getting ugly, it's messy. And let's just say you're working part time, you've never been responsible for the mortgage, it gets ugly, and the other person walks away and decides not to stop paying the mortgage.
26:46
I'm not paying that.
26:46
You can you're staying in the house, you've got the kids, I'm not paying that mortgage.
26:50
What do you do? Yeah.
26:52
That's hard. Very hard. Because And what are the outcomes of the Right?
26:57
Because if the mortgage doesn't get paid, the bank could be on your back about uh how the
repayment's going to be made.
27:04
So when you enter into a loan contract with a bank, it's called jointly and severally liable. So you've got a loan with, you know, your spouse, for example.
27:13
What that means is that the bank can um contact you or, you know, pursue you to repay
the full debt and it can also pursue the other person to repay the full debt. So it's not half and half.
27:28
They're not gonna chase half for you and half for the other person. It's all on the p everybody really.
27:34
So you're fully responsible for the entire debt individually. Yeah. So that can have huge repercussions if you can't pay that loan.
27:43
Then if and when you're going through the financial separation and that loan history shows
that you've missed repayments, then that can make it really difficult for you to get a loan in the future at a reasonable interest rate. Or at all.
27:58
And this happens in real time because the banks comprehensive have comprehensive credit
reporting into a central place where every single month have you paid on time? How you know, is it up to date? Every single month.
28:10
And that's reported.
28:11
If you've missed one month, two months. And then that will impact your credit rating and your credit score and your ability to borrow money in the future. So we don't want that to happen. So avoid it at all costs. So early communication and understanding about this is really important.
28:26
And then if it is looking like not great, you want to be talking to the bank straight away because we don't want to let the loan fall into arrears without being in a negotiation with the bank.
28:38
That's really important. And that would be a last case worst case, you know, we want to avoid that. From happening if we can. Definitely. If you know, you can get interim court orders about agreements around who is to pay for what as well.
28:55
Now, even if that isn't followed through with and the loan still goes into hardship, it can still be difficult to get future loans, but at least you can build your case and you've got evidence of what was agreed, which could help, you know, in a business case to get the bank to, you know, make an exception. For the situation.
29:11
So be proactive. Be proactive. Don't yeah, don't just let it happen. Yes.
29:17
Love that. Get support around you.
29:19
I think that's really important, whether it's professional or, you know, from those people
around you as well.
29:24
So if we just sum this up, Mel, what would be a key takeaway that we want people to our
podcasters to have?
29:33
Communication is really important. From early on in the relationship, having visibility on your money is really important. And having a plan is really important. Sounds like it, doesn't it? And know your options. Yeah. Know your options.
29:46
Yeah. That's it.
29:50
And you know, if you wanna talk more about that, you can certainly reach out to the
Money Collective and we can, you know, support you. Be empowered and educated.
29:58
That's it. Cool.
30:02
The next segment that we wanna move on is all around how our money story affects our outcomes, like our financial outcomes.
30:12
This is our education segment. At the end we wanna put a TMC view on something, right?
30:18
Because we've got so many.. Oh my gosh, what does TMC think of like this?
30:24
The TMC TMC philosophy is like a million different things. So this is our education segment. Right.
30:31
And today is TMC's view and and talk about actually what money story is, and you would have heard before, but we can never talk about this enough because it impacts the way we behave with money. Right. It's the number one thing that impacts us.
30:43
When you wonder where you are in life right now, like when you think about your financial outcomes, like why is this always happening to me?
30:55
Or why do I keep doing the same thing? Or surely I should be better off than what I am. Like that um thing, that commentary that's going on in your brain around that is your money story.
31:08
That is feeding you and keeping you in the same loop. And it is so powerful. And it can be paralysing for you that's why you make decisions. It could be good or bad. That's right.
31:23
It doesn't mean money stories are bad.
31:24
It's just being able to know yours and understand how you can join the dots on the
behaviors you make because of those stories.
31:33
If you understand your beliefs and why you believe what you do, then you can choose what
to keep and what to let go of, what's serving you well.
31:43
And what's not.
31:45
If you think about your goals or your finances and it makes you feel uncomfortable, you've
got anxiety rising, you've got a b something going on internally that you need to reflect on because you will go to the grave with the same outcomes unless you release yourself from the pressure. And a lot of it comes from the a little voice in your head and it's very subconscious.
32:16
It's so hard to bring awareness to this, but it's something that you probably heard early
on in life.
32:21
Or you got some advice, or um I actually spoke to a a girl recently and she'd
inherited money from her grandmother, and her grandmother said, Don't waste it.
32:32
Keep your independence and don't waste your money.
32:36
My gosh. How she played out her life. Right.
32:39
So what our parents or our grandparents or the way that they support us keeps us in we
don't want to let them down.
32:46
We don't want to let these people who have nurtured us given basically dedicated their
lives to help you not screw it up let them down.
32:56
But like if we literally think about that example, like their grandmother doesn't want that person to be paralyzed and not and have a good relationship and be happy around having all this like it's ridiculous and we know like that that's ridiculous like when we think about it but we don't think about it and then we just stay doing the same behaviours.
33:17
And definitely another common one, you know, Mel touched on was that I just think I should
have been further ahead than I am.
33:24
What does that mean?
33:25
Who told you that?
33:26
Why do you believe that?
33:28
Like what is it really about?
33:31
Like maybe somebody else around you or other people are doing better or your parents did
better.
33:38
Or it could be the opposite. Yes.
:33:40
That they didn't have, and I should be, you know I don't want to be like them.
33:44
I don't want their definitely be that.
33:45
There's no linear, like you can have different views from you know, we see that all the
time, you know, siblings grow up in the same household, completely different money stories.
33:54
And they grew up and seen and heard the same things, but had their interpretation in your
mind and how that goes in. It could be very different. So we project on ourselves early what we think we should have. And also like we hear, like we like also like education and things like that.
34:09
Like I'm gonna give you the best education, you're gonna go and get a university degree so
that you can have this life that you love. Yep.
34:14
So you can buy bags and go skiing down winter slopes or and have your house paid off.
34:21
Like our parents can put these expectations on us. Definitely go and get a good job so you don't, so you're financially independent.
34:27
What if you're not?
34:28
And then you put these were those.
34:30
They were never yours.
34:32
But you put it all actually linked to our self worth. Let's be honest, right?
34:37
So it's all where you perceive that your self worth is coming from or should come from.
34:42
I'm better or worse than what I should be.
34:44
Yeah, definitely.
34:47
And literally if you go and tick all those boxes and follow that course of life, you're
not even living your own life.
34:53
Well, I've got that experience. Right.
34:56
You get to the end and you're like, I didn't even like that, but I have all the things.
35:00
Right? Yeah, yes.
35:01
Like we have to be brave enough to step out of it and kind of go, Yeah. Screw you guys. You do. And you just have to again, it's like peeling
35:10
So a tip, and I would have talked about this before, is to journal your money story
because people always start off on the surface.
35:16
They start off with, you know, the basic things that they might um say, you know, like you
might have heard uh you know things at home.
35:27
So for example, you know, your parents might have said money doesn't grow on trees you can't take it with you you know, um save money for a rainy day.
35:39
You know, all those times. Yeah, right.
35:43
So all those things may have influenced us one way or another. It could have been a red rag to a bull and do the opposite, or it could be, yes, you know,
that belief is there.
35:53
Yes, ma'am. Yeah.
35:55
So but if you start to journal, that is maybe as an idea to get started is thinking about
what those things that might have you in your growing up years, what might have been said.
36:05
However, I challenge you just to keep writing.
36:08
Keep writing, keep writing, and undo the layers of what that's caused you to do in your
life and then go deeper and deeper till you can find the root cause.
36:17
And this work can take no time frame. It depends on humans. It could take life, it could take a little bit, could take a lot. And just really quickly for me, I grew up on a farm, so land was very important to the family boys.
36:38
Boys in families because they carried the family name and then the inheritances of the
land would always go to to boys because of that.
36:49
So how that played in my life, I won't go through all the details, but I always wanted to
l live up to my dad and show him that even though I was a girl, I could do it just the same as a boy, right?
37:03
And so I did so many things in my lifetime to do that.
37:07
I bought family property, I bought land, I've helped out families.
37:11
I'll show you, I'll do it on my own.
37:14
I am a co-founder of a finance company. Had a banking community, decided to almost run the bank, you know, I'll keep climbing those echelons up.
37:22
Yeah, that'll show you I know how to make money.
37:24
That's right.
37:25
And the more I learnt is you never reach that pinnacle anyway, so you never get you never
get there.
37:30
Like you, you were trying to prove something that no one was asking you to prove anyway. And you know, my dad, I know, loves me, but really when I unpacked all of that was really about my self-worth and being sequel seen equal in my dad's eyes.
37:45
So that was super empowering for me. So, you know, and what I've done as actions after that is sold all that land.
37:54
And I feel really liberated because finally I'm living my life and it still creeps in, you
know, to be some of those things are really hard to let go of and shed.
38:02
It still creeps in like, you know, I'm the problem solver of family things or it when it comes to money or whatever. But really trying to strip that away and simplify my life. But I'm more aware. I'm aware and I don't do those things anymore.
38:19
So anyway, that's just one example. I don't want it to be all about me.
38:24
So I would say the money story is if you are stuck and you know things aren't right, that is always the place it will be. And it's super challenging because it might need for you to do growth might require boundaries or you changing what you've done in the past, which can be hard for other people to adjust to.
38:46
And so how you come at that and how long it takes, who knows.
38:51
But be brave and I think it's usually worth it in the long run.
38:56
You will feel liberated. Yeah.
38:59
But it can be hard work. I'm not saying that it's not. No. It's challenging. The analogy to an athlete, isn't it? Ninety percent is psychological and ten percent is practical. Yeah.
39:09
So we all know how to budget and set goals predominantly and you know, save money but why don't we work?
39:15
We get stuck here.That's right. Yeah.
39:18
And then some people aren't stuck though.
39:20
Some people have got really healthy stories or whatever.
39:23
And we see that and we think that everyone's like that. But we're not. And I think everybody's got a money story. Every single person. Everybody does.
39:31
Like it's the thing about being human.
39:34
It's like not money and capitalism, but like the things we've all got things that are
holding us back. Like nobody is healed. Like honestly. But it's really funny because we are capitalists, how it plays out in this money life.
39:48
You know, we can literally see our things, our the things that are holding us back from
growth in ourselves can really be tracked by things like what we're doing and the things that we have and the things that we want.
40:05
And how do related things match up. Yeah. It is our self worth. It's all about self worth really.
40:13
So yeah, dig deep. Understand where your self worth is and why it is where it is and and how do you work on that. That's right. Neither of us have got psychological degrees. We are not professionals, but we are very professional.
40:28
And our lives. It's our pure passion and like we taught we I have had thousands of conversations with people and it's so fascinating to see how this all plays out and how to untangle it all.
40:43
I feel like that's where you and I are at. It's like we can kind of see these threads and the work, you know, that we're at individually.
40:51
Like it helps our self-reflect too as well. So thank you to all the people who've had conversations with us.
40:57
Cause I think that we're growing at the same time. Definitely. Yeah. It's definitely a two way street. And I feel like it's learning for life. Yeah.
41:08
So thanks for joining us today and until next time. Yeah.
:41:13
Have a reflection on your money story and enjoy life.
41:17
At The Money Collective, we provide financial wellbeing premium coaching, mortgage
broking and workplace financial wellbeing programs, which we couldn't do without the seamless support of our fabulous team. If you'd like to find out more, head to themoneycollective.com.au or our socials to take action and engage our services.
41:35
In our Facebook group, join the conversation and help us break down the taboo around
money. All content in this podcast is for educational purposes only and is generally nature. For tailored personal advice, please seek out a professional.
This podcast provides general advice only. It does not take into account your objectives, financial situation or needs. Before acting on any information provided, you should consider the appropriateness of the information and the nature of the financial product in regards to your objectives, financial situation and needs. We recommend discussing your personal situation with a financial professional.
Podcast by:
MEL PEARCE & DARLENE NEU
Co-Founders, Financial Wellbeing Coaches and Mortgage Brokers
The Money Collective
Book a chat about money with Mel
Book a chat about money with Darlene
LOVE OUR PODCAST AND KEEN TO SEE CHANGE IN YOUR FINANCIAL WELLBEING?
Our online financial wellbeing course is available with all the tools, guidance, and information you need to continue your journey of financial wellbeing, get started now!
Take the Financial Wellbeing Quiz to understand your level of financial education and resilience.
Read more about Financial Wellbeing and get some quick tips to get started.